Standing on the edge of me

I'm a teacher. But a pretty unconventional one. My classroom is any of a dozen different parks, nature centers, and beaches all over OC (and now, sometimes in actual classrooms all over So Cal). My students range in age from K-6th, come from all different walks of life, and number in the hundreds. My coworkers live all over too, from Pacific Palisades to Dana Point, Riverside to Long Beach. Every day I get to see, hear, smell, touch, and taste things and places that most people don't even know exist, or at the very least don't take the time to explore. And I love it.

It wasn't always this way. This was NOT the job I envisioned having in high school or even college. Back then, little homeschooled me was shy, quiet, and quite sheltered. I loved the outdoors, but was slightly afraid of the unknown-since-1st-grade classroom. I had great friends, but was kind of nervous around new ones. I could go on and on to you about my favorite camp in the world, but just don't make me do it in front of people, public speaking terrifies me! I'm not sure what kind of job I wanted in high school; I entered college undeclared. Those days seem a lifetime ago.

Then I got my wish: to work at camp. Sure, it was cleaning toilets, but it was cleaning toilets at my favorite place in the world! Now I was one of the staff I looked up to and admired so much. Still shy me didn't jump on the Hume fasttrack, but after 2 summers of scrubbing ended up as a lead counselor at the very camp that had changed my life in high school. And yes, I was terrified--of not knowing what I was doing, of not knowing what to say during debriefs, of leading high schoolers in general..."and they get real injuries at Wildwood!," I queasily thought. Yet I learned. And I grew. And I taught and debriefed and led for 4 summers. And I even got my class B license and drove a bus. And I chose this as my goal, my major in college.

And I adapted to college well. For never having done it much, I was a fantastic paper writer, and I excelled in my classes. And sure, I could tell you stories of speeches and presentations where I was literally shaking in my boots; public speaking never became a favorite of mine. But I could tell you other stories of speeches that I rocked, even how after one particular presentation on puberty (oh joy) my teacher asked me, "You looked so comfortable up there! Do you love public speaking?" And I kept learning. And I kept growing. And I graduated and worked as an RA at camp for a year--a job I never thought I'd be cut out for when I was in college. Turned out I was.

And I've traveled. And I've taught. And I've led small groups. And I've led from stage. And I've counseled. And I've trained. And I've gone places I never thought I'd go. And I've done things I never thought I'd do. And now I marvel at the roads God has led me on, how he's been leading and guiding and preparing me all along the way for the next thing. It hasn't always been what I thought it'd be--but it's been MORE.

And now I have a stirring inside for something new, something I've still never wanted to do even after all these years, something that still slightly terrifies me. And I wonder at how all the past roads have led me here, how all the past experiences might contribute to this new one. And I sit here excited and afraid and anxious to see what God's got next, and how he's going to work it all out along the way. And I can't wait to find out what that looks like.

"I'm standing on the edge of me, I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before..."
[Switchfoot, "On Fire"]


"A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?"
[Prov. 20:24]

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
[John 10:10]